My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no