My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You Might Also Like
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.