Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.