Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Stop.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.