Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Baking is just science you can eat.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Lol

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

My purse is deeper than some people.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food