My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?