My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
per my last wtf
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.