My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
