My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
This is no longer winter this is harassment