My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years