Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything