[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Nothing.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this