[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do