Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Big Sex has us all fooled

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face