[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening