My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
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wait.
o shit
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”