My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
oh you wanna fight?!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
#Caturday
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”