Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Smooooooth

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!