My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.