Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
drew a comic about my origin story
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.