My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
