My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Covid like
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
