Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

This is always good for a laugh.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Love is always patient and kind.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

😏😏😏