My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Not today
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.