Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Me redecorating every room in my mind

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”