Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I’m not proud

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18