Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dudes named Chance never had one.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Make me look younger

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

🐠

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?