My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.