Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

I think this cat is broken

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

haha same

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

spicy snake

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

*brings nachos to your exorcism*