My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.