My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation