Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

In Canada they just call them geese

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable