@Jonesy_donkey

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

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@SuperApple80

*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*

@AimeeHelene1

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!

@elle91

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

@LegoGodzilla

[first date]

GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected

HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo

@SortaBad

“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@LizHackett

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

@randypaint

Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup