My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.