My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348