My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
who wore it better?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano