Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI