Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

translated into Canadian

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale