Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?