My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.