My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.