Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.