My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Schrödinger’s cookie
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years