Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy