Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Yes, but it was never about money

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to