My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
