My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
