My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
What is going on? 😅
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
