My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
