Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Monday

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.