My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Attacked by a mop.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Twitter fine art
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
wtf is a larm clock?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands