My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
