My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
just having fun