my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
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Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
#MeanwhileinCanada
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Noah
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”