my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
constantly working on myself.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien