Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Bartenders are just boneless bars

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

😭😭😭

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

#Caturday

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.