Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!