Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose