My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
We decided to have money instead of children.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
That’s easy for you to say
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
We found love in a hopeless place.