Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?