Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.