Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.