Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

Lmfaoooooo

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.