My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.