Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*