Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

FINE, I WON’T.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.