My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I beg your pardon?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
#Caturday
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Warm pools make me nervous.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
When they try to steal your moment.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door