My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
You Might Also Like
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Customize Your Wedding.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza