My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.