My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.