My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
When you let grandma cat sit
![]()
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
![]()
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
![]()
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
![]()