Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.