My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Hmmmmm
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
That’s commitment
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”