My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
You Might Also Like
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more