My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.