My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“Huge”.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Yes, this is exactly right
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us