My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either