Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.