My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.