Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit